How to lose your Xanga "fan base" in One Easy Step

Step Number One: Don't post.

I've been doing more things than I think I can list. My life has altered slightly in the past year, and will do so greatly in the next couple months.

If you all will give me two days, you will have a beautiful post awaiting you. This I promise.

Derrol

"We find the people of our dreams.
 We find that they're not what they seem.
 I've learned that people come and go.
 I've learned that families break and grow.
 Toy Soldiers brave away these tears.
 Toy Soldiers hope for better years."

                  AND

"What about everything?
 What about aeroplanes, and,
 What about ships that drank the sea?
 What about the moon and stars?
 What about Soldier battle scars
 And all the anger that they eat?
 I am not in need."

The above are song exerpts from one of my favorite bands known as Carbon Leaf. Check 'em out.

A lot of things have been running through my mind lately. I've been questioning myself, Nichole, our relationship, my job, the war...lots of things.

It sucks to need answers to questions you don't know. I feel like Arthur Dent sometimes.

Obviously, breakthroughs don't come when we want them. But they'll be there when we need them. I know the answer right now is just to take one day at a time and all that bullshit. But, as we all know, that's easier said than done.

I've been completely irascible at work, I didn't even go to my favorite pub this weekend. I've skipped out on dinner engagements with friends, on little day trips, all the stuff I normally do. All I do now is either sit on my couch and watch DVDs, or read. Sometimes I'll go to my coffee shop and read for a few hours. Oh, and I work. A lot.

My temper is getting harder to control. It keeps popping up. Worse than the day before, and so many times I've almost lost rank because of my mouth. I told SGT Johnson to fuck off the other day. I've snapped at our traffic manager for shit that wasn't her fault, David and I almost came to blows.

I wish I could pinpoint the source of my frustration, but it's difficult. There are lots of things.

My job is just sucking. No matter how much time and effort I put into it, it's never enough. It's like trying to push a boulder up a hill. Nichole has seemed sort of distant these last few days. I was reading back on some of our emails, and how sweet and wonderful they were. What happened to that? That part is my fault, too. After everything that's happened recently, I've tried to go back to the way things were, but I sometimes feel like I'm the only one trying. It hurts when she doesn't call. She used to call constantly, and I loved it. I just spent a shitload of money on her for V-day. I'm hoping to make a point. That I don't care about the past. I want things to be the way they were. Hopefully, she'll get the message.

*sigh* I suppose there's nothing for it but to try and meditate on the good things in my life. I've been feeling the need to get started writing again, but I just stare at a blank page and finally get disgusted with myself and leave.

Oh yeah, there's that, too...lots of self-abuse going on. Why? I'm not normally like this. I think I might actually be slipping into depression for the first time in my life. this is fucking absurd. I'm stronger and better than this. So what the fuck?

Whatever.

I'm an asshole

And I know I am because I promise updates, but never deliver. I haven't commented on anyone's site in months. I humbly ask forgiveness. If you don't give it, I'll take it from you by force. :D

Life As We Know It...

...is a damn good show. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's from the creator of "Freaks and Geeks." Check it out. Do it.

However, life as I know it is going quite well. We're on a holiday schedule. It's supposed to be day on-day off, but I'm working almost everyday because our producer is on leave, so I'm doing his job and mine. I'm not complaining, though. Work is going well.

The Girl of our Dreams

We all have the image, men. The one girl who can change our lives forever, and make us believe in that forever kind of love. The girl of my dreams is as follows:

--Intelligent
--Witty
--Funny
--Has brown hair
--Is caring
--Is nuturing
--Loves me unconditionally
--Accepts me for who I am, despite my eccentricities, which are many
--Has a bangin' ass

And here she is:

Her name is Nichole. Our story is a long and complicated one, but beautiful. I'll give you the short version.

We met in New Orleans five years ago. I was dating her best friend at the time. We clicked instantly, but never EVER did anything about it. Even after I moved away, and would come back to visit, as far as we ever got was a hug, and a kiss on the forehead. We talked on and off throughout the next five years, fought against fate and circumstance, watched as I fucked things up for us several times.

But I called her a few weeks ago after catching up to her on MySpace. Hearing her voice, I realized that she'd never stopped loving me, nor I her. I finally figured out that the girl of my dreams had been in front of my damn face all this time.

I'm through waiting. Fuck fate, fuck circumstances, we're together, and are going to stay that way. :P

In Conclusion

I really do owe all of you an apology. After the break up with Denise and the subsequent problems at work, I sort of fell off the Earth. Well, I've managed to bounce back. Please! Tell me everything, how you all have been, what's new in your lives...what's old....whatever! Email me here: derrol.fulghum@afne.army.mil or Deucetoo@gmail.com

And one more thing...

If you wanna know what I do, or have any interest in military broadcasting, go to www.afneurope.net then click on Heidelberg. Check me out! :P Ciao, kiddies.

What is up with those things?

Fucking mustard advertisements. You know which ones I'm talking about! Where the mustard is in a perfect zigzag across the hotdog.

Have any of you ever actually TRIED to do that? It's bloody impossible! I want to find this guy. The man who is responsible for making the perfect mustard zigzag. I will then have him put mustard on my hotdog. If he meses up once I'll smear his shirt. With the mustard.

Unless it's a yelow shirt.

Interesting nights

So, I've been working my bloody ass off. It's alright, but stressful! In fact, it's Saturday and I'm working. :P But, I'm wearing wool socks, a tee-shirt, and some sweat-like pants, so it's okay. I'm a button monkey in the studio today. :P

My nights really aren't that interesting, to be completely honest. They mostly consist of playing video games on weeknights, and then getting drunk and playing video games on weekends. Yes, I've got an awesome social life.

I don't really mind, though. Things will clear up soon, and I'll be able to do more.

Hope everyone is doing well. :D

The Right Thing, or the Easy Thing

My father always taught me that being a man is doing what's right, even when it's difficult. I've tried to hold true to that, but it's not always easy.

I've recently made the most difficult decision of my life, and it's tearing me apart inside. Knowing that I hurt someone I love makes it even harder, but I had no choice.

Fuck, man. I wish...I wish a lot of things. I suppose that doesn't matter, though. If wishes were fishes, we'd all be eating sushi.

I don't have an explanation, I don't have an excuse, a valid reason, nothing. All I could offer was the truth and a good-bye.

As my father said, "Well, son. You do what you gotta do." Simple, but true.

I still love her.